Don’t walk in front of me; I will not follow.
Walk beside me, and be my friend.” —Albert Camus
32 Days until Sasquatch
44 Days until School is out
100 Days until Lollapalooza
I should really stay up and work, but everything in me is telling me to get in bed early. I was up very, very late last night finishing a Theology project/Film project, and that decision resulted in me trudging through my day with a half-hearted smile and a tired mind. Or is it my tired mind? My tired eyes? Or my tired soul? Things have been the same around here for a such a long time. It’s almost a daunting thought, to think that I’ll be spending another 3 years on this tiny campus. I don’t know what happened. I used to really love everything about this place. It’s not that I don’t, I know I still do… I guess it’s just not as exciting anymore. Which is why I’ve been littering my near future with things to look forward to, things to get excited about.
Here are some logistics that no one will really read, but I will type out regardless, because this is my god damn blog, and I want to expel some of my thoughts.
*My chai is getting cold, and my limbs are very sore. I went to a Level 3 yoga class yesterday, and had my ass handed to me. I’m normally used to just a Level 1 or 2 class, so this was very different. But it was well received; I got to get close to my body and my mind again, a symbiosis that I have missed.
*I am skeptical about the film I made; it’s nothing fantastic, and I am entering it in the festival with no greater purpose than to say, “I did it.” And hey, I am proud of it; it developed into a direction that I hadn’t intended, but I’m rather fond of the outcome. It’s different. If it wins anything though, then there must be an active God, and he must have an awesome sense of humor.
*Speaking of which, I’ve been going to meditation a lot more lately. It is very strange and unprecedented, but the thoughts that ramble about in my brain during meditation have been turning into prayers lately. Prayers to whom? I’m not sure exactly, but these small conversations I’ve been having with whom I’m assuming to be the divine, have made me feel a lot better about a few things. I’ve been using my mala beads too, whilst meditating. Last week I had them with me. I found myself holding each bead in my fingertips for a few seconds, and thinking of different people I’m happy to know, or whom I appreciate. I got to all 108 beads.
*I really want a piece of toast right now, and I really shouldn’t have one.
* I deserve to feel as much as the next person.
* The sun has been out for the past few days. It has been glorious, and put me in the best of spirits. I intentionally wore a blouse that has the back cut out so to get some color back there. Most of my torso and my legs are now a few shades browner, and much more tender, which is odd since I normally don’t burn. Lest I forget, it has been a long time since my epidermis has encountered this much vitamin D at one time. I need to be a little more careful.
*I want my current tube of toothpaste to run out soon so I can start using Rembrandt again.
*Things will change. They always do. And that is kind of nice.
I have made the decision to go to Sasquatch Music Festival; the ticket, bought from a fellow freshman here at SU, left my wallet feeling painfully lighter, but my heart much fuller. I’ll be going by myself, renting a small tent from OAR, and roughin’ it hard. I know a few people who are going though, and they said we could set up our tents next to each other, which will be nice. At first, the thought of going by myself made me a little hesitant, but after a little bit of planning and list-making, there is a familiar feeling creeping into my chest. It’s the feeling I get before I do something new and big; I got it before Peru, I got it before college. I think it means that a good adventure is in store.
Also, Amanda Amador and I just made a very big plan for our summer. Lollapalooza, anyone? I’m broke as hell, but rich in what I’ll get to experience. For now, that’s all I need.
Please please please.
Incessant heaving of the tiny black gills. The occasional disturbance of the placid surface. A hopeless jaw caught in its labored gasps. Eyes glossy and wide. Bloated, pale, hardly even blue, drifting to a chilly bottom where only a quiet death awaits. One final retaliation erupts in a flight of color and fury, beating around his confines in an ultimate “I will not.” He darts behind the plastic grass, away from our eyes. He is still heaving. He will be gone soon.
Maybe he doesn’t want us to see him die.
A fleeting, little soul will depart before morning.
Humans send their young men to war; ants send their old ladies.
I just finished reading a most interesting article on the birth and death of the Trailhead Ant Colony, describing its flourishing history and eventual collapse. I found it oddly similar to the Roman Empire, but what do I know about the Roman Empire? I got a B+ in Cramer’s class….I am not bitter, I am not bitter. Anyway, the article is titled “The Trailhead Queen is Dead” by Edward O. Wilson. If you have 20 minutes, google it.
The little flurry of blue and red catches my eye every once in a while; it’s a nice distraction, knowing that I’m not alone in the room. Even if that swirl of color reflecting against synthetic light is nothing more than a small fish (whom I invest too much emotion in,) it’s another presence in the room nonetheless.
Dessert. It holds power. It sates the incessant nibbling of pain in my mid-abdomen. It arouses desire, resulting in its complete demolition. Ultimately, it pulls people together, puts a bandage on the things that are broken. The influence of dessert knows no boundaries.
I will end this entry by summing up this past week in 10 fragmented thoughts:
Soft skin turned rough, Sniffle, look at me, anonymous florists whom I greatly appreciate, grapefruit soap and shaving cuts, cheap wine that runs out too quickly, your hair is growing out, did you see him? I didn’t get to see him, bright warm sun kisses, I’m glad I know you.